Conundrum:

(posted 7/16/21, permalink)

Ham Radio:

(posted 6/9/21, permalink)

Separated At Birth:

(posted 5/16/19, permalink)

Where Wylie Coyote Bought His Cars:

(posted 11/13/18, permalink)

Coming Soon To A Theater Near You: Recently, my wife - noticing that there was extra room in our Bruiser trash can on trash night - decided to empty our paper shredder. It was more full than expected and little shreds fell all around the shredder. We used a hand vac to clean up. The little cleaner was quickly overwhelmed and required periodic dumping, which scattered more paper bits around.

When we were finally finished, my wife exclaimed, "That turned into quite a production!" I replied, "A production? It could be made into a musical!"

Here are some possible titles:

• My Fair Shredder
• Joseph and the Amazing Monochromatic Shredder
• The Sound of Shredding
• Phantom of the Shredder
• The Shredder King
• Beauty and the Shredder
• Shredder on the Roof
• The Best Little Shredder in Texas
• Man of La Shredder

Whatever it's called, it wouldn't be any worse than some of the dreck on Broadway these days. (posted 4/20/18, permalink)

Energy-Shaming: Last week, we received a letter from our local public utility company, scolding us because it claims we're using 86% more electricity than "similar homes."

I don't know how it figures this because we have replaced all three heat pumps within the last four years, receiving rebates from this utility for our efficient choices. We also had all air ducts sealed and insulated in 2015. Our two water heaters are energy efficient as are all of our appliances. When it snows, the roof our house remains snow-covered almost as long as the roof of our unheated detached garage.

The same letter informed us that "so far this year, you've used 25% less (electricity) than last year."

Remember when electric companies used to encourage you to use more electricity? As Reddy Kilowatt used to proclaim, "Live better - electrically!" (posted 3/14/18, permalink)

Wizards versus Muggles: According to Jack Baruth, all those Harry Potter books and movies are simply rich liberals' fantasies of class war, "written in class-conscious Britain by a welfare queen whose dimly-perceived ideas, received third-hand from tabloids, regarding upper-class life would only really make sense to most readers if they were framed by dragons and special magic."

An admirer of the upper class, powerful titans of finance and the nouveau riche, F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote, "Let me tell you about the very rich. They are different from you and me. They possess and enjoy early, and it does something to them, makes them soft, where we are hard, cynical where we are trustful, in a way that, unless you were born rich, it is very difficult to understand." They don't want to hang out with regular people because of their snobbish disdain and their vulnerable underbellies.

Jack observed, "Our putative superiors ... in the Ivy League absolutely yearn for a regression to an ordered class society where the proles in their lifted Ram trucks and Tapout apparel have to cross the street or be horsewhipped for insolence. They have no appetite for democracy. Why should they? ... democracy is just another way of giving the "Muggles" a voice in public affairs. What could be worse than letting the Muggles from West Virginia or the Inland Empire have a say in their own fates? You might as well let the Muggles judge the flying-broomstick "Quidditch" games, for Christ's sake."

While I've never read a single Harry Potter book, I get the idea. It's not exactly a new one. The common people, the unmagical Muggles, have always been looked down upon by their Betters, which is fine if you're a Better with money and power. Vance Packard's 1959 best seller, 'The Status Seekers', did an excellent job dissecting American social stratification and behavior. As did Paul Fussell's wonderful 1984 book, 'Class', which was even better, with its scalpel-like approach to eviscerating conventional wisdom about American society's caste levels.

"This is a fairy-tale elitist impulse that traipses neatly across political or ideological lines, by the way. The distaste with which conservative "wizards" speak of public-assistance recipients or Mexican immigrants finds a perfect mirror in Democratic disdain for rural whites, conservative Christians, or self-made businessmen. Mitt Romney was playing to his base when he decried the "forty-seven percent" of freeloaders in America; Mrs. Clinton was playing to hers when she railed against the "basket of deplorables". Sometimes the Venn diagram of the unpersons overlaps, as it did with the young people who supported Bernie Sanders. The conservative media lampooned them as people who were obsessed with the forgiveness of poorly-chosen student loans; the captive mainstream called them "Bernie Bros", the word "bro" understood by The Right People to be the 21st-century way of calling someone a subhuman knuckle-dragging rapist."

Bureaucrats see the public as Dirt People. That's why Obama's State Department announced last year that it will take 75 years to review and release documents related to Hillary's e-mail abuse. These entrenched bureaucrats truly thought we're slack-jawed, drooling morons who would accept their word.

Back to Harry Potter: Jack continued, "It's not harmless, all of this magical fantasy crap. It explains why young people become absolutely deranged on the subject of Donald Trump. They were told that Trump is the Harry Potter villain 'Voldemort' - by the media, by their friends, by J.K. Rowling herself."

What the Betters never expected was that someone richer than many of them and with learned entertainment skills, could out-dazzle the Better's selected candidates. Many are still in denial about the Trump presidency: "If I close my eyes and click my heels three times, it will have never happened." It's rumored that Hillary Clinton starts each day with this mantra.

During his campaign, those images of The Donald flying to various campaign stops in Trump Force One and keeping his private jet visible in the background as he gave speeches in large airport hangers have been imprinted in public's mind. In Iowa, candidate Trump even gave kiddie rides on his Trump-branded helicopter, while - across the field - frightening Men-in-Black kept children (and others) away from the large and ominous black Hillary Bus, which had the joyless air of a prison transporter about it.

At this year's State of the Union address, Democrats brought illegals as guests; President Trump invited the relatives of those murdered by illegals. Talk about one-upmanship!

Jack concluded, "Today's best universities are simply indoctrination machines. Instead of teaching their students how to understand stories, they feed self-serving, undemocratic, deeply-disturbing stories to their students. They teach them a fantasy … that they are part of a "selective school, with an antique pedigree but a modern claim to excellence, an exclusive admissions process but a pleasingly multicultural student body. A school where everybody knows that they belong, because they can do the necessary magic and ordinary Muggles can't.""

Donald Trump and his deplorable Muggles have a better understanding of how things work in the Real World. Unlike naïve students. And snobby, conventional politicians - Republicans and Democrats both. The Wizards are turning out to be Squibs. Ha! (posted 7/26/17, permalink)

Failure To Launch: North Korea put on quite a show recently, parading an impressive-looking array of nuclear missiles accompanied by the obligatory goose-stepping soldiers. As well as cheesy streamers and balloons. Looked like someone bought a big semi-trailer full of crap at Party City.

The press reported that "experts were stunned at the sheer number of new missiles on display during the parade - including, apparently, a new and previously unknown type of intercontinental ballistic missile." Yeah ... well, given that high-resolution images of other nations' weaponry are readily available, it would be no trouble for a Norky metalworking shop to fabricate impressive-looking dummy replicas, perhaps with a couple of bigger fins so they looked like something unique. Chrysler Corporation did the same thing with their automobiles back in the late 1950s.

The grand finale for the 'festivities' was supposed to be an impressive missile launch. Alas, the rocket in question blew up spectacularly just as it lifted off the launch pad. Pundits are wondering whether the U.S. or some other nation hacked the launch or jammed the signals to the missile. I think it would be pretty simple to do.

I've seen video of the North Korea's pride-n-joy control panels. They look like something from an early 1950s, low-budget sci-fi movie - gray painted metal boxes with large dials, 1948 Heathkit toggle switches and winking lights which looked suspiciously like parking lamp assemblies from a 1951 Nash Rambler. I wouldn't be surprised if they communicate with the missile controls using a 1934 Pilot Super-Wasp ham radio set. If one vacuum tube flickers, the missile explodes.

Whenever I experienced television problems in the 1960s, I'd go and test the vacuum tubes at a nearby Sun Ray Drug Co. in Philadelphia. Sun Ray had TV tube testers in every one of their stores. Perhaps Kim Jung-un has a cousin named Kim Sun-Ray who runs a pharmacy with tube tester in downtown Pyongyang. Over the weekend, Mr. Sun-Ray ran out of the type of replacement tube needed for a successful launch. Result: Kaboom!

Welcome To Londinistan: The Gatestone Institute has reported on the striking rate of closures of churches in the United Kingdom's capital city, a trend mirrored elsewhere in Europe, and the blooming number of mosques that have been established in their stead.

"London is more Islamic than many Muslim countries put together," said Maulana Syed Raza Rizvi, one of the Islamic preachers who now lead 'Londonistan'.

Since 2001, 500 London churches of all denominations have been closed. During the same period, 423 new mosques have been established. Between 2012 and 2014, the proportion of Britons who identify themselves as Anglicans fell from 21% to 17%, a decrease of 1.7 million people, while the number of Muslims has grown by almost a million. Churchgoers are declining at a rate that within a generation, their number will be three times lower than that of Muslims who go regularly to mosque.

There are already 100 sharia courts in London.

We last visited the UK (Edinburgh, Glasgow and London) in May 2001. During that European visit, we saw many more Muslims in Paris than in London. We have no plans to return to either. (posted 4/17/17, permalink)

Rick Steves Goes To Hell: If you watch public television, you've undoubtedly seen the travel show, 'Rick Steves' Europe'. Steves, who is also a travel author, has been doing travelogues for PBS for over 25 years. He presents himself as an easy-going, kinda-geeky guy, who never loses his fascination with all things European. You'd think after this many years in the travel biz, some cynicism would have crept in, yet, as the late John Belushi would say, "But noooooo!"

What if Rick visited Dante's Nine Circles of Hell? Well, here's what such an episode might be like ... (more >>>)

Nobel Musings: Mark J. Perry pointed out some interesting facts about the Nobel Prize:

• Jews represent only 0.2% of the world population, but they’ve won 22% of all Nobel prizes since 1901.
• Nobel prize recipients from only three countries (US, UK and Germany) have been awarded 54% of all Nobel prizes since 1901.
• Americans have won 33.6% of all Nobel prizes.
• Men have won 20 (and 83%) of 24 Nobel prizes awarded in the last two years.

I'm old enough to remember when the Nobel Peace Prize was based on accomplishments. Once upon a time, it was awarded to folks like Mother Teresa, Lech Walesa, The Dalai Lama, Martin Luther King, Linus Pauling and Albert Schweitzer. Now it's apparently just an Affirmative Action or Political Correctness award.

It's a little-known fact that, in 1983, I won the Nobel Prize for Acrylic Fabrication. Well deserved, I might add.

In my day, I did a helluva job of making almost bubble-free glue joints on Plexiglas, despite being located in rainy Oregon. It's really hard to produce near-perfect, solvent-based seams unless you're in a desert clime.

I won't reveal my secret method except to say that, in addition to the usual ethylene dichloride solvent (EDC), it involved the use of isopropyl alcohol and wicked, voluminous flatulence.

The Nobel Prize wasn't such a big deal back in the 1980s; there was no money awarded, just some gift certificates from Koala Blue, Casual Male, Chipwich Cookies and the Pennsauken Mart.

Disappointingly, the medal itself was only a piece of foil-covered chocolate. (It did look nice in photographs, though.) Not very good chocolate, either. Yasser Arafat was seen at the awards banquet eagerly chomping on his 'medal' with brown drool running down his stubbled chin. Disgusting.

I didn't have a very good time in Oslo. The days were very short, people seemed sullen and every elevator played an instrumental pan flute version of The Beatles' 'Norwegian Wood'. It made my teeth hurt.

Candy stores sold gummy Swedish Fish, except they were called 'Norwegian Fish'. And they actually smelled and tasted like fish, too. Yecchh. I was happy to return home so I could get back to eating anchovy-free pizza. And watching 'Flashdance' repeats on Showtime. "What a feeling ..."

Ooops, I almost forgot to mention that prize-winners also received a cellophane-wrapped gift basket containing ten kilos of explosives, courtesy of the good folks at Dynamit Nobel GMBH. I still have mine, stored in a proper controlled-temperature, low-humidity environment. Arafat put his to use right away, I was told. (posted 11/6/15, permalink)

I'm Old And I Can't Keep All These Ashleys Straight: This Ashley Madison internet sex scandal has me very confused. At first, I was wondering if she was related to Dolly Madison and sold ice cream.

"We Just Need More Volume": There's an old joke about Vinnie and Tony, who decided to become truck farmers. Every morning they drove their little truck down to Vineland, NJ to pick up a load of tomatoes.

Then they drove back and sold tomatoes to customers on the streets of South Philadelphia. Because of competition, they had to sell the tomatoes for just a little more than they paid for them. And that didn't include costs - gas for the truck, wages for Vinnie and Tony, etc.

After two months, they were losing $5,000 per month. "We're going broke!" exclaimed Tony. "Nah," said Vinnie. "We just need a bigger truck."

I fear that the joke is becoming real. Uber Technologies Inc. - of Uber car service fame - is telling prospective investors "that it generates $470 million in operating losses on $415 million in revenue, according to a document provided to prospective investors.

The term sheet viewed by Bloomberg News, which is being used to sell $1 billion to $1.2 billion in convertible bonds, doesn't make clear the time period for those results. The document also touts 300% year-over-year growth."

Probably from buying a bigger tomato truck. (posted 7/9/15, permalink)

Q&A:

(posted 3/13/15, permalink)

It Looks Like A Trip To Canada Is In My Future: In my view, British-made chocolates, such as Cadbury bars, Yorkie Bars and Maltesers, just plain taste better than American-made chocolate. But, in the alleged Land of Free Trade, we'll no longer be able to buy them. Sad, because I'm quite a fan of the chocolate malted milk balls known as Maltesers.

"As a result of a settlement with the Hershey's Company, Let's Buy British Imports, or L.B.B., agreed this week to stop importing all Cadbury's chocolate made overseas. The company also agreed to halt imports on KitKat bars made in Britain; Toffee Crisps, which, because of their orange packaging, and yellow-lined brown script, too closely resemble Reese's Peanut Butter Cups; Yorkie chocolate bars, which infringe on the York peppermint patty, and Maltesers."

Jeff Beckman, a representative for Hershey's, said L.B.B. and others were importing products not intended for sale in the United States, infringing on its trademark and trade dress licensing. For example, Hershey's has a licensing agreement to manufacture Cadbury's chocolate in the United States with similar packaging used overseas, though with a different and poorer-tasting recipe.

Chocolate in Britain has a higher fat content; the first ingredient listed on a British Cadbury's Dairy Milk (plain milk chocolate) is milk. In an American-made Cadbury's bar, the first ingredient is sugar.

American Cadbury bars also include PGPR and soy lecithin, both emulsifiers that reduce the viscosity of chocolate, giving it a longer shelf life. British Cadbury bars used vegetable fats and different emulsifiers, which provide a fresher taste and smoother mouthfeel. (posted 2/12/15, permalink)

"I'm A Lumberjack And I'm OK ..." I had never heard of lumbersexuals before. Had you?

Their attire is apparently "jeans, work boots, and a flannel shirt." And tattoos.

Q: Jeez, how do you tell them from Lesbians?

A: They have facial hair, usually beards, although some gay people still in the closet still have beards when they go to social events at work for visits with family.

Thanks, now I'm really confused.

Defining quote: "He was white. Somehow, at a fairly elegant affair, he had found a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Since then they've multiplied. You can see them in coffee shops and bars and artisanal butchers. They don't exactly cut down trees, but they might try their hand at agriculture and woodworking, even if only in the form of window-box herb gardens."

Window-box herb gardens? Sounds ... ummm ... very metrosexual. Or citified. Or maybe even sissified.

"In the last month, these bearded, manly men even earned themselves a pithy nickname: the lumbersexuals. ... But there's much more to the lumberjack symbol than another glib comment on urban white culture. This particular brand of bearded flannel-wearer is a modern take on the deeply-rooted historical image of Paul Bunyan, the ax-wielding but amiable giant, whose stomping grounds were the North Woods of the upper Midwest. Paul and his brethren emerged as icons in American pop culture a little over a century ago. What links the mythic lumberjack to his modern-day incarnations is a pervasive sense - in his time and ours - that masculinity is 'in crisis'."

As Monty Python used to sing on the final verses of The Lumberjack Song: "I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars. I chop down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa."

Pabst Blue Ribbon does not a man make. (posted 1/14/15, permalink)

"I'm So Ronery!" North Korea's entire internet went down today, so lonely people are unable to connect using Facebook or eHarmony. The outage is said to affect both computers in the country.

Bridge Fix: During a big and destructive windstorm (wind gusts of almost 60 mph) on December 11, 2014, a giant fir tree on the Cedars Golf Course - just behind our house - fell on the metal bridge spanning the Salmon Creek, seriously damaging the bridge.

So, how did the golf course staff 'repair' the bridge? This is what they did the very next day:

1. Removed large downed tree with chainsaws.
2. Didn't bother with structural examination.
3. Blew remaining sawdust and debris into Salmon Creek.
4. Strung yellow plastic 'Caution' tape in place of missing steel railings.
5. Reopened bridge.
6. Hoped that no one drives golf cart into creek or falls off bridge.

I sent the above photo to my son, who said that it just needed a good sign and sent back this Photoshopped suggestion:

(posted 12/15/14, permalink)

The Look Of Surprise: Recently, I received a catalog from the White House Historical Association, chock full of memorable replicas of presidential do-dads. One page was full of stuffed animal versions of presidential pets of yore, including Socks - the Clintons' cat.

From the expression on Socks' face, he must have just seen what Monica was doing to Bill Clinton in that little room off the Oval Office. (posted 11/7/14, permalink)

Bunch Of Italian Haters: The Seattle School Board voted unanimously for schools to observe 'Indigenous Peoples' Day' on the same day as the Columbus Day federal holiday.

So, instead of Italian water ice, they'll have this:

(posted 10/10/14, permalink)

Be Sure To Stock Up Soon: Drinking red wine is better for you than going to the gym.

Researchers in the University of Alberta in Canada found that red wine, nuts and grapes have a complex called resveratrol which improves heart, muscle and bone functions; the same way they're improved when one goes to the gym. Resveratrol proved to be an effective antioxidant when tested on rodents which is why scientists are planning on testing it with diabetics. If results are positive for the benefits of the complex, patient's heart health could be improved just as much as it does when they work out vigorously.

Resveratrol is specifically found in red wine as are some of the beneficial antioxidants referred to when talking about heart health. Red wine is also known to reduce ‘bad cholesterol’ and prevent blood clots. (posted 9/24/14, permalink)

Down At The Shore: My brother recently sent me one of those pulp giveaway shoppers' guides to the New Jersey shore. It contained this ad:

Does anyone think the owners are really Amish? How can a group that rejects technology and all things electronic process EBT cards? And aren't the Amish in favor of self-reliance and against welfare programs?

In the same shopper's guide was an ad for Lucky 7 Pizzeria, just up the street from its apparent sister company, Lucky 7 Gold & Consignment, a place that also offers "all balloons and greeting cards for $1." Both are located on Bayshore Road in Cape May County.

The pizzeria is equally diversified, offering "Spanish Food, Deli Food and much more," including New York Strip Steak, Shish Kabobs, Enpanadas, Pastellios, many combos of pizza and cheesecake at $2.99 per slice.

Nearby American Deli And Pizza, also on Bayshore Road, offers Lobster Salad Hoagies as well as Pepperoni Roll-Ups and Garlic Knots - strips of pizza dough tied in a knot, baked and then topped with melted butter, garlic and parsley sauce.

My wife got a kick out of an ad for a tobacco shop named Sea-Gars. (posted 8/27/14, permalink)

I'll Be Semi-Famous For The Next Few Minutes: I got mentioned and linked in Lileks' The Bleat yesterday. Thanks, James.

What A Difference A Month Makes: For years, David Horowitz has written a consumer advocate column for The Costco Connection magazine, exposing various frauds and deceptive schemes.

Apocalypse Now: Many believe that the Mayan calendar indicates that the world will end on December 21, 2012.

When I first read about the Mayan end-of-the-world calendar, I thought it was just a ploy by Wall Street to screw me out of my year-end dividends.

But I just got a sneak preview of Glenn Reynolds' Instapundit page for 12/21 and, it looks like the Mayans may have been right after all:

(posted 12/20/12, permalink)

"Help Me Obi-Wan Kenobi, I'm A Lonely Dope." That's probably what George Lucas said to Disney when he offered Lucasfilm to the Mouse. Mickey took the bait; the Walt Disney Company forked over $4.05 billion for the acquisition.

George Lucas is already richer than God and doesn't really need more money. But the dude who revolutionized sci-fi film making with the 1977 Star Wars, has become a caricature, spending his days "improving" his earlier film releases - kinda like Michelangelo resculpting David riding a Vespa - and ferociously licensing Star Wars Everything in the frenzied manner of an amphetamine-crazed Hello Kitty product manager humping a manic Franklin Mint marketing exec. Talk about squandering the franchise.

Let's face it, with the exception of 'Return of The Jedi', every Star Wars movie after the original stunk worse than a herd of African bush elephants after a rampage in an Ex-Lax warehouse.

So, what will happen next? Well, Disney is probably planning on building a slew of attractions and retail establishments, like It's A Small Galaxy After All, the Millennium Falcon Space Coaster, Jabba the Hut's Wild Ride, the Planet Hoth Snow Toboggan Experience, Princess Leia's Hair Salon and Cinnabon Bakery, the Death Star Mortuary, Luke Skywalker's House of Bad Plastic Surgery and the Tatooine Sand People Desert Adventure. The possibilities are endless.

Disney has already confirmed that there will be more movies with new stars. I'm betting on Sarah Jessica Parker as Jar Jar Binks. New plots could include things like R2-D2 going nuts (after numerous Microsoft upgrates, bugs and bad patches) and wreaking havoc on the galaxy. Or C-3PO coming out. Or an aging Princess Leia confessing to her cocaine addiction as she appears on numerous intergalactic talk shows.

As for George Lucas, I suspect that he'll spend some of that money on a Lifestyle Lift for that bullfrog chin. (posted 11/2/12, permalink)

The End Of The Internet ... is right here. (posted 12/1/11)

Twelve Least Popular Amazon Black Friday Deals (In Toys & Games):

	• Occupy Elmo
	• Lady Bird Johnson Angry Bird
	• Wham-O Kardashian Slip 'n Slide (personal lubricant not included)
	• Baby Alive: 'Dysentery Dorothy'
	• Transformers: Gay, lisping Decepticon Barney Frank converts to straight cyborg heroic Autobot with ray gun. (Megan Fox action figure not included)
	• Disney Princess Fairytale Crematorium
	• Tickle Me Jerry Sandusky
	• Lightning McQueen Ghettoized Donk Version
	• My Little Pony Glue Factory
	• Matchbox Maybach 62 Limousine (closeout - discontinued item)
	• Lil' MD - Colonoscopy Play Set (sedative not included)
	• Lego Ninja Ron Paul figure.

---

Here's a bonus listing - the 13th worst selling toy

The Amtrack Bailout Express: Hey kids, it's just like the real thing! Features chronically late trains, hard-to-book sleeping accommodations, frequent unscheduled stops, food shortages and poor on-time performance. Every time it goes around, the train stops and asks for another subsidy.

(posted 11/28/11, permalink)

Fifty Years Later: Harper Lee's Pulitzer prize-winning book was first published in 1960. I read it when the paperback edition came out in '61 or '62. The first film version of 'To Kill A Mockingbird' was very good but I thought 'TKAM III: Revenge of the Sith' really sucked.

Gregory Peck won the Academy Award for Best Actor for his portrayal of Atticus Finch. Who knew that the character's grandson, Darth Finch, would turn out to be so evil.

Like many people, I have a voice in my head. Mine sounds just like Gregory Peck. It never tells me to do anything crazy ("Kill them all! Use your axe."), rather it simply reminds me of ordinary tasks which need to be done, giving commands in a clipped, precise, calm voice: "Take out the trash tonight. Tomorrow is trash day, you know."

Or: "Don't forget to brush your teeth before you go to bed."

And, occasionally: "There are some things that you're not old enough to understand just yet. There's been some high talk around town to the effect that I shouldn't do much about defending this man."

In the spirit of full disclosure, I confess that - a long time ago - I had a voice in my head that told me to "Kill them all! Use your axe." But it sounded just like 'Bobcat' Goldthwait, so I never took it seriously. (posted 7/16/10, permalink)

Great Discoveries: Found in my files from 1980 or so ...