Where the hell is this 'Arab Street' I keep reading about? I can't seem to find it on MapQuest but it is, apparently, located in a neighborhood that's very angry. And very anti-U.S. And chock full of Muslims.

You'd think that people who pray five times a day would be a little more ... ahem ... serene.

What Arab Street needs is new businesses in the commercial district. They have way too many rug merchants, camel saddle purveyors, couscous shops and discount goat outlets. It's time to establish a couple of American retail institutions on Arab St. - Starbucks and Olive Garden.

That way, instead of plotting against America, the folks on Arab Street can dispel their rage by screaming about the high prices, poor service and arrogant clerks at Starbucks. And the awful pseudo-Italian food with the ridiculous made-up fake-Italian names at the Olive Garden. Just like we do in the good 'ol USA.

We Americans expend our energy and disperse our rage by complaining about businesses. It quiets us down and keeps us from plotting to take over the world. And we probably could, you know. If we wanted to. But we won't. There's too much stuff on television to distract us - 'American Idol', 'Super Millionaire', 'Pimp My Ride', etc.

Maybe Arab Street needs more American television. Make sure that they get to see Empowered Chicks on the burka-free Oxygen Network. And Denise Austin working out. Or Denise Richards not working out. Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie acting out. And give 'em the Playboy Channel, too.

And, while we're immersing Arab Street in American culture, let's flatten one of the more troublesome Iraq cities and build an American-style amusement park. 'Six Flags Over Fallujah' has a nice sound.

By the time we're finished, Arab Street will evolve into America Street. Then we'll build a replica of the old Arab Street. In Epcot Center. And charge people to visit it. And sell overpriced mementos in the gift shop.

American capitalism at work.