I've always felt that God has a sense of humor and probably/hopefully chuckles at a little irreverence. But, I doubt that he was laughing along with Ted.

I wonder just how hot Hell really is?

If ol' Teddy ends up frying, I hope that Mary Jo can look down and get the last laugh. (posted 9/1/09, permalink)

Miniscule Humor: The church bulletin at St. Mary's Catholic Church (est. 1881) of Mt. Angel, OR carries advertising on the back page. If you're looking to purchase a small home in the area, you might want to contact Mitch and Virginia to show you some properties. Then you could contact James to review the legal documents.

(posted 7/31/09, permalink)

Bad Church Art: One of the downsides to Vatican II is the proliferation of appalling "art" in churches. Call it modernist, interpretive or kiddie felt-craft - it is ecumenically unpleasant. Here are a couple of examples of dreadful images of Our Lord:

During the time that blacks were being enslaved and oppressed in the United States, all of my ancestors were in County Mayo, Ireland - being systematically oppressed, run off their lands and starved by the English.

During the time that altar boys were being sodomized by creeps, I was busy raising a family and trying to make ends meet.

So, leave me out of it. (posted 1/9/08, permalink)

Mark Steyn Is Right. In his book, 'America Alone', Steyn bemoans the downfall of Christianity in Europe. Now there's even more data to support his argument.

Meanwhile, the number of Catholics in western Washington state has almost tripled in the past 10 years - from 350,000 to over 900,000. (posted 6/13/05)

At midnight Mass last Christmas, there was an elderly woman who insisted on treating us to an a cappella version 'Silent Night' in German to "celebrate her heritage." (Can you translate "Me-Centric" into Deutsche, bitte?) And she sang so badly, I wondered if she might be Bob Dylan's mother. I have seen her at church several times since and have bestowed her with the nickname 'Stella Nacht.'

The only "new" thing needed in church is a polished brass stage hook to drag bad performers off the altar - deliverers of lengthy, pointless homilies, lectors who ask us to pray for odd or political things, off-key warblers, etc.

And I want the old smoker-priests back - the ones who would do a 38-minute Sunday Mass because that was as long they could hold out before they needed another Lucky Strike fix. (posted 4/11/05, permalink)

Changing Catholicism? John Derbyshire at National Review has written: "The debate among devout Catholics about this calamity, so far as I can follow it, is not very enlightening. Conservatives blame it all on the reforms of the Vatican II Council (1962-5); liberals blame it on John Paul II himself, saying that his firm traditionalist approach to core doctrines turned off the more open-minded Catholic laity. Both surely know in their hearts that the real culprit is the irresistible appeal of secular hedonism to healthy, busy, well-educated populations."

I think he's right. People are busy - with work, hobbies, etc. - and no longer consider church as a "social outlet" as in the past. Reality television and the internet have become the new social outlets. Writing in the New York Times, funeral director Thomas Lynch notes that "times formerly spent in worship or communion are now spent shopping or Web-browsing or otherwise passing time. Many Americans are now spiritual tourists without home places or core beliefs to return to."

In the case of the Portland Archdiocese, the bankruptcy court will have to decide many issues - one is whether parish assets are part of the Archdiocese's assets. Many parish churches throughout Oregon sit on valuable real estate and most have cash and other liquid assets.

It is possible that, in a move to limit their liability, parishes may soon decide to form their own nonprofit corporations with no legal ties and only loose reporting ties to a central entity. This could result in parish councils vetting their own pastoral candidates and having hire/fire authority in much the way that many Protestant churches do. And, for matters which do not involve core issues of Catholic faith, belief or liturgy, individual parishes could become fully-independent worship centers.

Parishes, being smaller organizations, can better serve the needs of their members - and can solve problems (like abuse allegations) quickly and decisively. Parishes might even elect to market themselves well beyond their traditional geographical boundaries, appealing to specific segments - "we're evangelical", "traditional", "young, singles-oriented", "family-friendly", "sympathetic to single parents", etc. These and other local-level actions could bring needed fresh air into a musty old organization, attracting new members and bringing back some old ones.

I'm happy to report that our regional nonprofit is financially secure and growing, even while the national organization is experiencing membership declines. Seventy percent of new members now come from the region's own recruitment efforts. By the way, we've never abandoned the core values set forth by the national organization. We've simply tailored our message to the Pacific Northwest market.

Catholic bishops and the Vatican might wring their hands and wail about parish-level power - nobody ever likes to give up authority - but, in the end, such operational decentralization may be the best thing that has happened to the Catholic Church in many years. (posted 7/8/04, permalink)

Update: In September 2004, the Roman Catholic Diocese of Tucson, faced with possible multimillion-dollar legal verdicts from sex abuse cases against its clergy, has filed for bankruptcy protection. Spokane, Washington's Diocese has also gone bankrupt.

Catholicism's Not-So-Finest Moments: The Vatican praised Yassir Arafat as a leader who struggled to win independence for his people and repeated its support of a sovereign Palestinian state alongside Israel. A Vatican statement called Arafat, who died in Paris, an ''illustrious deceased.'' (Infallibility in faith and morals. Yeah, right.)

This is the same Arafat who created Black September as an offshoot of his Fatah organization. He presided over the operation resulting in the massacre of the Israeli Olympic athletes in Munich by Black September in 1972.

The following year, Arafat became the first Arab terrorist to target Americans. He personally ordered the assassination of American Ambassador to Sudan Cleo Noel, Jr. and charge d'affaires Curtis Moore in 1973. As the founder of Fatah and leader of the Palestine Liberation Organization, Arafat waged a lifelong war on the state of Israel and its Jewish citizens. And the Vatican has arranged for free legal help for Tariq Aziz, Saddam Hussein's former foreign minister and right-hand man, for his war crimes defense. A disgrace. (posted 11/15/04, permalink)

Planned Parenthood's Sour Grapes: Numerous counties in Illinois are allowing federal workers to select a Catholic-based insurance plan that does not cover abortion, contraceptives or fertility treatment. Run by the Sisters of the Third Order of St. Francis, OSF HealthPlans is being touted as an example of the faith-based initiatives favored by President Bush. Gloria Feldt, president of Planned Parenthood Federation of America, said the plan was an "inappropriate" use of federal funds, one that "is blatantly designed to foster one religion's point of view."

Catholic League president William Donohue responded as follows: "The taxpayers are forced to fork over a quarter-billion dollars of federal funds each year to support Planned Parenthood’s agenda. But all of a sudden the officials at the so-called pro-choice organization feel threatened by some Catholic nuns and want to deny federal workers freedom of choice. So much for truth in advertising."

Political Correctness Gone Amok: A Church of England school - Saint Mary Magdalene Primary School in Islington, north London - has been told to drop the word "saint" from its name in case it "offends" other religious groups. St. Mary Magdalene has been serving the community since 1710.

'Father Joe: The Man Who Saved My Soul' - a book by Tony Hendra is a tribute to his spiritual mentor. Father Joe is a wise but unassuming Benedictine monk who brings common sense and truth to the problems Hendra offers him over a 40-plus year period. A stuttering, big-eared, ungainly man, cloistered in an ancient abbey on the Isle of Wight, Father Joe is a good listener and deeply spiritual. He is undoubtedly a saint and, for Hendra, an anchor in a storm-tossed life.

Of Tony Hendra, things are less certain. An accomplished writer, satirist and actor, he sunk into a world of drinking and drugs. His ego and excesses destroyed his first family - he admits to being a loathsome husband and despicable parent. According to one associate, Hendra has a "long track record of seedy, duplicitous behavior - well-known to those who have worked with him over the years." The book title proclaims that Hendra's soul is saved. But, part of salvation is making amends to those wronged. If that has been done, it is not recorded in this book and very-recent claims of sexual abuse made by Hendra's now-grown daughter raise more doubts. Father Joe teaches the lesson of not speaking ill of others, yet Hendra finds time in the book to rant about the politics of Ronald Reagan and others.

Hendra claims to find comfort and "spirituality" in old churches and Gregorian chants, yet one must question his announcement of rediscovered faith when, immediately after one of his last confessions with Father Joe, Hendra thinks "the God-force-principle-thing would like me to pop down to the pub and celebrate. Which I did." Hardly the words of a spiritually-renewed, post-confessional penitent.

Nevertheless, the book is a good read with an inspiring surprise about Father Joe and his influence in the last few pages of the book. I recommend it. You may not want to shake the hand of Tony Hendra but you'll certainly wish you could have met the good Father. (permalink)

The Quebec Way: While visiting Quebec in Fall 2004, We went to Mass at the Notre Dame Basilica.

I remember being there almost 50 years ago and seeing several cardinal's hats hanging from the ceiling. When a cardinal died, his hat was strung up for all to see - until it disintegrated into a pile of dust. Now the hats have disappeared. I inquired and was told that "when we redid the church a few years ago, we took them down because they were dusty and ugly." Fame is fleeting. Tradition is swept away by Style.

Ste. Anne de Beaupre used to be a shrine for pilgrims; now it is more commercial and caters to bus tours. You can light $5.00 votive candles before the relic of Saint Anne but when the rack becomes full and another bus is rolling into the parking lot, the candle rack is quickly moved to the basement where many other racks of burning candles light up a nondescript (but very hot) room.

Meanwhile upstairs, a fresh candle supply is wheeled in for the new arrivals. Turning inventory and optimizing cash flow - Catholic-style. Next to the gift shop is a small, glass-fronted, free-standing building with a priest sitting at a desk, looking like a Notary Public. Go inside and he will bless all purchases. Free.

On a Sunday afternoon, we visited the historic Holy Trinity Anglican church in Quebec. As I approached the door, I heard strains of 'Embraceable You' on a piano. Followed by the tinkling of 'Misty.' I thought it was one of those Gay Anglican churches I've read about, but they were just having an afternoon concert. We departed to the melody of 'Autumn In New York.' (permalink)

Gay Mirage: Some gays think that the so-called "homophobic" Republican machine is trying to trample them. This is a mirage. Jeff Jacoby writes: "In 13 states this year ... voters were faced with proposed constitutional amendments limiting marriage to one man and one woman. In all 13 the amendments were approved, by majorities ranging from 57 percent to 86 percent." The initiatives gathered large majorities everywhere - red states and blue. (So, it's not just about Republicans, is it?) Meanwhile, on some cable shows, radio programs and blogs, backers of traditional marriage have been denounced as gay-bashers. This is also a mirage.

Gay people should understand that it's not the "gay" part that bothers people - the vast majority of folks feel that most homosexuals are "just wired that way" and recognize that most gays just want to live their own lives and spend most of their time on the same everyday activities as straights - working, paying bills, having a drink after a tough day at the office, etc. Gays are not 'recruiting' for their side and are far less irritating to straight people than, say, Jehovah's Witnesses.

It's the "marriage" part that straights are against. We consider marriage to be a contract between a man and a woman - a 5,000 year-old institution. Not some deal between two guys. Or two babes. Or a PETA advocate and an "animal companion." Or some horndog and an armoire with an interesting knothole.

Gays - men and women - are generally far more creative than straights. The theater, the visual display industry, the writing field, the graphics design arena and other "creative arts" endeavors seem to be havens for gays. We straights are both envious and appreciative of their cleverness, talent, ability to create inspiring works and put on spectacular shows and events. Therefore, it is a disappointment that gays can't seem come up with a better word than "marriage" to describe their civil unions. Gays need their own name - one that invokes awe and wonder and perhaps a little heterosexual jealousy: "Damn. Why didn't I think of that!?" A noun that ends with an exclamation point. Or deserves to. A name that isn't "marriage" - that moniker was taken many years ago. It's been done. By us dull straights. Very passé and unhip.

Memo to gay people: Get your own name - and you'll be surprised how much more support you'll get from us straights. Many of us will applaud and celebrate your legalized, stable relationships. The ones with the cool new name. And we'll support your efforts to obtain equal rights and benefits as couples, under the law.

Speaking of the creative arts, as a car guy, I wonder how many of the exciting car designs - the ones that all those testosterone-pumped, heterosexual young males lust for - were penned by gays? But the auto design business isn't completely gay.

Because only an design-blind heterosexual could have designed the Pontiac Aztek. (permalink)

Monied Messengers: If you have cable and you've ever channel-surfed, you've surely come across Paul and Jan Crouch on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. Wearing a big platinum wig with cascading-ringlets, Jan Crouch could pass as Dyann Cannon's mother. Or much-older sister. But she wears so much black eye-shadow, she often looks like a badger. Or the Hamburgler. She cries a lot, especially when describing the good works she and Paul do with all the money people send them. With his silver hair, mustache and bifocals, Paul Crouch looks grandfatherly. But a decidedly odd grandfather - he allegedly paid a former employee $425,000 to keep quiet about an alleged homosexual tryst.

The Crouches are usually perched on gaudy, gold and white faux-Louis XVI furniture, begging for more money to "help with God's work." The network says that 70% of its contributions are in amounts less than $50. Lower-income, rural Americans in the South are among TBN's most faithful donors. And the Crouchs are always asking for money. You'd think they wouldn't need to. TBN has posted surpluses averaging nearly $60 million a year since 1997. Its balance sheet for 2002, the most recent available, lists net assets of $583 million, including $238 million in Treasury bonds and other government securities and $31 million in cash. TBN's declared mission is as a tax-exempt Christian charity. Meanwhile, Paul and Jan maintain several palatial homes, drive luxury cars and draw fat salaries from their "church."

Memo to Floral Industry - get to work.

Love Letters In The Sand: A website - CatholicShopper.com - offered 'Shoes of the Fisherman sandals' for $19.95 per pair.

Description: "If you plan on walking in the sand, this is a great way to evangelize! As you walk, you will leave an imprint of: JESUS LOVES YOU, for others to see!!!!" The sandals are "hand-finished in Thailand by adult Christian workers."

This raised some questions in my mind - to wit:

1. Are the 'adult Christian workers' former Pagan Babies?

2. Since these products are made of injection-molded vinyl and the adult Christian workers only do the hand-finishing, who is operating the injection molding machine? Atheists? Muslims? Buddhists? Confucians?

3. Since all of us Catholics want to leave a long-lasting impression on Unbelievers, why doesn't the product description mention other, more-permanent things to walk on besides sand? Wet concrete? Hot asphalt? Uncured epoxy?

4. If this were a real Catholic site, it would clearly state: "One size fits all - or else you're excommunicated. Unless you're a Kennedy." (permalink)

Popemobiles: For some facts and musings about papal rides, go here.

For Your 'What's Wrong With The Catholic Church' File: The new, $190 million Catholic cathedral in Los Angeles offers Starbucks coffee in the cafeteria and $25-a-bottle 'Our Lady of the Angels' wine in the gift shop. You can buy your own crypt for anywhere from $50,000 to $3 million. The gift shop takes credit cards and even has an ATM. And, what was it again that Jesus did to those money changers in the Temple?

If you just want to park in the garage, it's $12. Hey, here's an idea - instead of paying $50,000+ for a crypt, why not buy an old junker of a van, put the body in it and park it in the garage for $12, then abandon it. Cheap crypt. Heh, heh.